So since we’ve last spoke I’ve been busy turning the ripe old age of 26… I’m officially on the wrong side of 20! Well not really, the good side of 20 started out with me in a rough, figuring me out kind of place… which I’m so glad is over!!! Well, you know, that work is never really done but I figure the heavy lifting is out of the way… I hope… LOL!
It’s nice knowing that I’ve come this far in 5 years… Man when I think about where I was when I was 20… the people I hadn’t met yet, the things I hadn’t admitted, the fears I had yet to face down… well let’s just say it’s much better on this side… there isn’t much left that scares me any more… I’ve had a fair bit of obstacles thrown at me and I’ve survived them all… maybe a bit bruised, a bit jaded but alive and relatively whole, ready to take on the next set of challenges life has in store for me.
On the other side of my 20’s I spent a large portion of that time helping friends through there fears and yet never working on mine. I was always quick to say ‘Hey don’t be scared, it will all work out…’ Well I've finally started to take my own advise… I’m leaning into the Fear to get my Happy Whatever… My life is so wonderful in so many ways… Amazing Friends, a loving family, a job that I LOVE and HATE all at the same time… but I was always scared to open myself up to the possibility of someone else… someone to share my life with… I’m not sure if it was fear of getting hurt, fear of losing myself, fear of rejection, fear of losing sight of the things that make me me… but it all came down to fear… So I always made a million excuses as to why it wouldn’t work, and left it up to well It just won’t happen for me…
Until recently, I decided that if I wanted to have that something with someone else I had to open myself up to the fear and face it head on… So i opened myself up to the possibility… kept an eye open just in case but to save my sanity I didn’t pursue it, that would drive me crazy and make me have expectations… which I think might be the killer of all whatevers… this expectation for it to be something more than what it is… and when those expectations aren’t met we lose interest and can sometime miss what is great and maybe better than we ever thought could be right in front of us… So I’ve decide to move forward without expectations… Know what I want and settle for nothing less, but to give it a chance to turn into something beyond any of my expectations… like so many of the great friendships in my life I entered into them with no expectations of great and unrequited love and adoration but only knowing I wanted someone I could talk to and that got me… all the rest was just icing on the cake and if my friendships have anything to show for it, well when I find that someone whom I can share a life with, well, it will be beyond any expectation I’ve ever had…
So I’m beginning my journey down the other side of my 20’s content with being me and with only one expectation… to be surprised…
Hey! Smashley! If the play was called Bong Water would you pay attention?!
- Razor
